The Mezzanine

In the almost five years since transitioning I have developed an eating disorder. I also have bad sleep habits. I don't sleep enough. It's almost one in the morning right now. I don't know how to live alone. I crave attention. Sometimes it feels like my brain can't sit still. I ruminate and I qualify my experiences internally. I replay old events, I look at old pictures. I see pictures of past ties I've done with people and one in particular causes me to feel intense grief.

I feel as though I can't manage my relationships. Friendships or intimate ones. Just when I feel like I'm gaining a handle on myself and understanding what borderline personality disorder means to me and how to best manage it, I have a flair up. Embarrasment, guilt, shame. Intense feelings of worthlessness. Despair.

I don't know if this will ever end. I may always be this person. Unable to maintain my relationships, inevitably and irrevocally driving people away because I'm too much and my emotions are too much. Or am I the one always walking away? What does peace, for me, even look like? Why do I constantly make those who care for me pay the price of my own feelings? Will I ever change? Can I ever change?

I get that it's me versus me. How do I defeat myself?