Aftercare is not a benefit or a perk of a BDSM scene. It's literally part of the scene. Then why has it become such a meme that I am not someone who receives adequate aftercare? More typically I do not receive any aftercare whatsoever, pre-negotiated or not. Half-hearted check ins, a tone of annoyance or hurry. I used to joke that when I asked a Top what their aftercare needs were, one responded that they needed to ask me if I was okay 15 minutes after a scene and they needed to me to say yes and fucking mean it. My mental health targeted, scrutinized every time I want attention following a scene.
I am told most people are not like me.
I want to lie and say I'm ok. I want to say I dont need the check ins. I don't need the talks. I don't need you to emotionally process. I want to lie and say I can aftercare myself.
I can't really do these things though. I am stuck, trapped. Still back in the scene, thinking about what we'd done that I was excited to try, but we never discussed it. I need to talk about that. I also received a thing I wanted, but it scared me deeply. I need to talk about that with my Top. I need to sort the files into folders, correct broken links and broken images. The website of my spirit is barely operable. I become angry at the world that turned its back on me and I sink back into the Stone House. This was never meant to be my story.
While the world continues its trek, I am yet mired in quicksand.