Reflections on the Void

Unreality and fear. Indecision and redecision, melancholy and frustration.

Yesterday, she came and picked me up. She saw me sitting on a bench on the outskirts of my own mind, hugging my knees and staring down a path which turned downhill and out of view. I was waiting for something that wasn't coming, drifting in that chasm between despair and tenacious resolve. I felt small and afraid, not sure where my body ends and the world begins. Large consciousness and thus scattered and fractured.

She didn’t approach with anger or disappointment. There was no lecture about the blackout. She simply walked up, reached down, and gathered me up into her arms. She knows my vulnerability is a symptom of my nature and not a corruption of my heart. She knows the depth of art my soul descends to, and knows how out of breath I am when I resurface. She knows my arms are fatigued even though I refuse to admit it. She knows I can't fly on my own right now.

She carried me back into the Stone House, where the walls are thick and the world is quiet. After she shuttered me inside, strong smells and familiar objects of comfort overtook my senses. The oil in the pans heated up while she filled a pot with water. Standing by the window, seeming to keep an eye on the cold outside as if to ward it off, she seemed herself frigid though the house was immensely warm. She never asked for explanations. She cooked me food that tasted like the past, covered me in the heavy blankets I needed to feel the edges of my own body again.

The shepherd of myself within malady, she guided me from place to place yesterday. When something fun happened and I became momentarily giddy, she smiled and rolled her eyes, knowing that a bit of sunshine is good for a sick girl. Knowing that given time I'll be alright. Also knowing that I'm not ready to play outside yet, and she ushers me back to the Stone House where I remain.

She let me play late, and that's when I made these photos. They contain more depth than my previous self-suspension set using my lighted background, and I'm extremely proud of them.